Finally, Oaf does a review! For this, I picked one of the shittyest games NES games known to man: Bible Adventures. This game is so ungodly awful, that even Goodwill rejected it. I found my cart behind some Goodwill collection site sitting on a heap of other garbage, ask Major, he was there. Once I got home, despite the name of the game, I decided to try it out. After about an hour of cleaning the dirt and miscellaneous shit off it, I was ready to go! That day started a lifelong hatred of this game.
At first glance, I could already tell the game was going to be bad, the graphics were shitty, and the sound too. Knowing this was going to be a chore to sit through, I selected the first game: Noah's Ark. From what I can tell, you're supposed to gather up a male and female of each animal in the level, then drop them off at the ark. Not surprisingly, after wandering around aimlessly, and managing to pick up a few animals, I hit reset. I still don't know where the greased pigs came from. I've never read it at all, but I somehow doubt there's a line anywhere in the bible saying "And the Lord spoketh unto Noah: Thou shalt go forth, and wrestle greased pigs in my name."
Anyway, on to the next game, Baby Moses. From what I can tell, you're supposed to take Baby Moses to the end of the level. Not surprisingly, I've never even seen the end of the first level. Every time you get hit, the little bastard goes flying. Of course, as soon as you pick him up again, either one of those fucking jumping spiders hits you, or a guard fucks you in the ass with his spear again, and Moses goes flying further. Eventually, I just leave the little bastard where he is, and go on my own, and immediately land in the water. Pissed off, I hit reset again.
I now select the third game, David and Goliath. This one's much like Noah's Ark, except you only need to gather four sheep, and put them in a pen at the end of the level. Sounds easy, at first, but then you find out there's like 85 pound rabid squirrels throwing shit at you, and lions and bears trying to maul you and take your sheep. "Those are my lamb chops asshole!" After getting mauled by the anorexic looking lion a dozen or so times, I finally got pissed enough at the game to rip it out of my NES and fling it across the room. There it sat for weeks before I finally picked it up again and slipped it back in with the rest of my carts. In more recent times, other terrible games have occupied that spot, Jack Nicklaus Golf, Bases Loaded, NFL Football, but never again did Bible Adventures get flung in a fit of rage into that spot. That's only because it's never been placed in my NES since then.
The only thing that I can seem to find that might be redeeming about this game, is that it's actually kind of rare. The graphics, sound, gameplay, and story line are all pretty damn weak. In all, I think I would have to rate this game at half a star, only because of it's rarity. If any of you ever get a copy of your own, take it from me, just put it in with the rest of your carts, and NEVER play it.
Damn i hate the Bible. Goddamn rabid squirrels!